January  3rd.  2012
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»A Good Response to the "Friend Zone" problem.

Something about the friend zone I saw posted yesterday which I think led to the discussion going around on my dash.

(Clarification: I didn’t write the following.)

ilovecharts:

Yesterday we posted a chart to which some people took offense. One person took the time to write us directly with her anger about the chart. I took exception to her tone and disagreed with her assertions and regrettably fell into one of the more simple traps of poor communication, writing a …

“Reading the chart as supporting rape culture involves understanding how the terms “Friend Zone” and “Nice Guy” are used in discourse by different groups. This was a conversation of which I was unaware. To me, the Friend Zone is a classification for people feeling that somebody, due to shared history or comfort or habit, does not consider them a romantic possibility in any sense, be it “I’m attracted to this person” or “I’m not interested in this person.” The possibility has not arisen or been contemplated; it is not even a “no” to the person, just a “never thought about it.” There is certainly sadness about being in that position, but also real friendship and possibly a desire for more, hope for sparks, that I do not see as malevolent or detracting from the relationship. 

The Friend Zone is not always used this way. From men, there can be a lot of anger involved in using the term. It is seen as a penalty for misdeeds, or worse for not being desirable enough. One gets “put” there as if it is in the woman’s power to be attracted to the man but she refuses to do so just to punish him, or worse again because she only goes for the guys she can’t be friends with: the dangerous, mysterious type. The blame is on the woman either for doling out punishment or for having “incorrect” standards of attraction, and so is born resentment and ultimately the Nice Guy. As in, nice guys finish last. As in, “woe is me, why am I always overlooked when I’m the person who is the real friend, not the attractive jerk?” And resentment turns to entitlement. “I’m the real one for her. How could she not see that? I’ve done so much for her. She owes this to me.” And that entitlement undermines the original friendship (if indeed there even was real friendship involved and not just rejected courtship) and leads to general misogyny and possibly to dangerous behavior toward the woman.

And that’s not even getting to the Nice Guy™, a term used for predatory men who consciously use the Friend Zone as an entry for sexual conquest. The Friend Zone is used in those circles as other Pickup Artist terms are used: a page from the playbook.

These terms (Friend Zone and Nice Guy, as outlined above) are used almost clinically in feminist conversation and in other circles. The signifier to signified is clear. And using language in that way, so too is the chart. It is at best Nice Guy anger and at worst, Nice Guy™ advice. 

However, not everybody is involved in that conversation. I consider myself a feminist, have spent a lot of time thinking about the origins of misogyny and pointing out its presence in many facets of life, and I was unaware of those terms. That is where the conversation becomes difficult. While sticking up for people in my definition of the Friend Zone (just because a man wants to be seen as a romantic possibility, why must his goal be sex and why must his desires be vilified, especially all the way to rape?), I was unknowingly endorsing the concept of the Friend Zone as framed by entitled men. I was not speaking the same language as TGSB and so her criticisms were offensive in my construct and my criticisms were offensive in her construct.”

  1. iamicecreamsbitch reblogged this from ilovecharts
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  3. wittyenglishone-liners reblogged this from ilovecharts and added:
    saw posted yesterday which...discussion going around...dash....
  4. tsuginojibun reblogged this from feistyfeminist
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  6. teatimepocky reblogged this from ilovecharts and added:
    lovely. didn’t...wow, if only everyone
  7. cassiecalamity reblogged this from ilovecharts and added:
    when you’ve made...don’t very often make new years resolutions
  8. itsowlgoodyall reblogged this from ilovecharts and added:
    Yet another post...really appreciate...still taking full...
  9. andrewxnguyen reblogged this from ilovecharts and added:
    recommend reading this...full. I, too, took...same initial...
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  11. confessionsofaformerniceguy reblogged this from ilovecharts and added:
    whole post. Good stuff.
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  13. neuroneptune reblogged this from ilovecharts and added:
    apology i’ve ever...tumblr (as opposed...typical “TAKE YOUR...
  14. hapgood reblogged this from ilovecharts and added:
    There’s so much...like in this post. It starts...nuanced...
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